Pregnancy

It's been quite awhile since I have blogged.  This blog started out as a class requirment..and now I am graduated from college so I quit blogging.  I started googeling things today (if you know me I LOVE google) and I started reading some "mom blogs".  They weren't the typical mom blogs about day to day stuff, but also had a depth to them...mom's who are pregnant with babies that will not survive for very long.  Being an 11 week pregnant person I know I shouldn't read these things, but they don't make me nervous, they make me even more thankful.  These women that are going through the process of pregnancy and knowing their baby won't survive--they are so strong and inspirational how could you not want to read what they have to say!?  I think this may be my come back to blogging, but you never know.

time

I get unsettled by the ticking of a clock..when people say "wow 2010 is almost over" I start to panic.  Am I the only person feels like life is rushing by ... as Anna Nalick's song "Just Breathe" where it says "life's like an hour glass glued to the table".  If I start to think about growing old, or a scary thought not so old.  I've seen young people, middle aged people, and senior citizens die.  Of all varying problems... accidents, illness, and age.  Everyone usually says the same things "everything happens for a reason" or "I wish I would have talked to him/her more" "I wish I would have done ____ different".  Does anyone else panic that they aren't doing and saying enough to everyone in their life every day?  It seems I think more about losing someone day to day then most.  Are you doing everything you can do with this life?  The people that I know that are dead would "die to have more time"-it takes losing life to realize we just want the simple things...I remember my mom telling me "I just want to get up get in my truck and go visit with friends drink a beer and laugh at some jokes".."I just want to go to work tomorrow, Katie never complain about having to go to work because it's all I want to do right now".  People bitch and bitch and bitch about stupid crap daily it seems like nothing is ever good enough for anyone...the person in front of you drives too slow, your co-worker is annoying you, you have to much work to do, your kids are annoying you, you have to do laundry....why not I wonder if the person infront of me is having a bad day, maybe I should try to get to know my co-worker more, I am physically able to do "work", I have kids to love they still have me we still have each other, I have clothes to wear.... nothing is ever good enough for people--people think I'm weird because I'm so layed back & I don't care about too much-well I think they're weird for taking life so seriously..as my favorite quote says "why take life so seriously, nobody gets out alive anyway"

don't even get me started on everything happens for a reason.  I won't try to sway anyone's opinion on that-not my intention-I never see a reason for anything just an outcome of what we make a situation. 

Remember When

... you were in high school & all you wanted to do was stay at your boyfriends/girlfriends house just an hour longer then normal.  Or did anybody else ever say "mom, I just want to stay the night at his house because it'll be fun to wake up with him the next day".  Well, today I was just thinking about being 26 and thinking about how being married is like a 24 hour sleep over & how fun it is to be able to spend so much time with the person that I love. 

I remember so many things from being a teenager and thinking I knew so much about what I wanted and what kind of person I was.  I remember wanting to be married & have kids by the age of 22 WHAT WAS I THINKING?!  At 26 I couldn't imagine having kids that would be 4...

just thinking about being a teenager today...

OVER protective

Is it bad to be too over protective?  I was in my IDIS class today and before class started my professor was asked the question "if you knew your son murdered someone would you turn him in" without hesitation my professor said "no".  I smiled because I completely agreed with him and I was happy to hear zero hesitation and thought to myself "hmm, maybe I'm not weird".  I laughed and explained to him that I feel the same way.  We got on the subject of me and my 'mama bear mentality' I simply explained if anyone messes with my family (again family embodies more than blood related) I would hurt them, okay FINE I said if anyone ever hurt my family I would slit their throat...too much?  Well even if it is that's who I am-over the top.

Am I the only one out there who holds their family/friends/dogs (oh yes I said dogs) above everything else?  Am I the only one who steps inbetween a loved one and someone just being mean? 

Well, I did get a great compliment at the end of this conversation (yup, the entire time the pre-class conversation was going on I was debating this stuff)  I said "well, maybe it isn't a good thing I have children if I am this OVER protective" in which the professor said "I think that is what is going to make you a great mom"

I'LL TAKE THAT!

but back to the original thought..can you really be OVER protective

to ponder

I have the secret to life...


It's death.  Losing the people we love the most forces us to see what we otherwise would be blind to.  It forces us to feel every emotion possible.  You can't escape the emotions that you feel when someone you love more than life dies.  Death gives you something that can never be taken back. 

Examples may be what you need to further understand my crazy thinking and I have many...

some may and some may not know about my mom.  I lost my mom 4 years ago to cancer.  "lost" that's a funny way of putting it..she isn't a bracelet or my cell phone that I misplaced and will hopefully find it again one day if I retrace my steps and think about the last place I put it---my mom died 4 years ago.  We were close, to say the least, that doesn't even touch on how I feel about her.  She died in our home after a battle with brain cancer and I (along with my family) were lucky enough to care for her while she was fading away. 

I remember telling a friend of mine a little while after she died that I feel like I have this secret that nobody can understand or take away from me.  (Finally!  something that couldn't be taken away)  I love so much more fully after death, I feel more things than I ever thought were possible....I am more "aware" I guess you could say of this "life" of mine.  I hold people more closely to me and I let the small things roll more easily off of my back.  I LIVE because of death.  When I argue with someone I say I'm sorry much more quickly...when I'm in a bad mood I laugh sooner...I see the small things in life (sunny days, laughing kids, old couples holding hands, someone opening the door for me, a nice talk with a good friend) as the BIG things.  I see the "important things" a test at school, a speeding ticket, a late bill ..as the not so significant things.  Now to you this may sound like I don't take life "seriously", but to that I would say "don't take life too seriously, nobody gets out alive anyway" (one of my favorite little quotes). 

This is my secret to life...maybe I'm on to something

p.s. if you want to get the real feel for this post listen to Damien Rice's song "Hallelujah" while you're reading.

seriously

I started my classes today-and with that new assignments.  My creative writing professor informed our class that we had to start a blog...at first I was nervous about it kind of like a 'who cares what I have to say' feeling, but then again you don't have to read this if you don't want to!  Ahh the freedom!  I was reading the newspaper the other day & I always tell myself I'm not going to read the Quickly section...unfortunately I ALWAYS do.  You'll never believe what someone was complaining about.....guess....go ahead....


Bumperstickers-yes folks you heard me correctly BUMPERSTICKERS not any old bumpersticker either..no no.. the "my child is an honor student at such & such school".  Really, I ask this, REALLY...no, more like are you serious?  Way to poop in someone's cheerios man!  They're proud of their kid & I bet their kid is proud they're an honor student.  It just always amazes me what people take the time to complain about.  So much more to life then proud parents....but that's for another day- and I'll ease you into my tangled mind!